I was just watching Jay Leno with my roommate, and Michael Phelps was the headlining guest. As we sat watching, we both criticized how boring he was. “Didn’t they give him tips on how to interview?!” my roommate asked me. When Jay asked what he had been doing since the Olympics, and Phelps replied absolutely nothing, my roommate and I both made mocking remarks that he has probably been sitting on his ass playing video games since he got back to the US. “Nice hooded sweatshirt,” my roommate said, to which I sarcastically replied “Oh yeah, sweet interview.”

We then sat back and realized we were bitterly critiquing a guy who won 8 gold medals in swimming for the US.

This story just proves that my summer streak of bad dates needs to end. I am now seeing every guy, including one of the best Olympic athletes who has ever lived, as a boring, sloppy, unfunny douchebag. Help.