Some lady named Alexis Miller took out a restraining order on Shaq. I’m not even kidding. She lives in Atlanta and she and the love of my life have been dating for the past 6-8 months, but she claims that he “stalked her, threatened her with bodily harm and made harassing phone calls in which he breathed heavily into the phone before hanging up.”

Where do I even begin.

First of all, Shaq laying on top of ANYONE could be bodily harm, and she should have known that going into the relationship. It’s common sense. Secondly, how is Shaq calling and breathing into the phone harassment? If anything, he was probably just pausing to make one of the ridiculous comments he always makes, like that he’s the big Aristotle or that he just killed some Shoguns. I also need to add that Alexis is apparently a rapper. Does anyone need further proof that I need to be dating him? I am an awesome rapper, and could probably handle the stalking a little bit better than her.

It sucks if Shaq is actually trying to ruin this woman’s life. But it also sucks that it could’ve been me. Full article here.