- I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

- Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

- A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

- If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

- There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. ‘All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.’ That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.’

- Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

- You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

- Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

- I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.

- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

- Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.

- Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: ‘We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.’

- Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

- I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

- What year did Jesus think it was?

- George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

- Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

- Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

- ‘No comment’ is a comment.

- You can’t argue with a good blowjob.

- So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

- The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

- I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

R.I.P.